I remain a quiet person, but I'm a quiet person who's able to teach. The years have flown by and I find myself more and more comfortable and confident in it. But there are times, still, when I question whether I should be teaching at all. Have I done a good job? Have I explained this right? Have I given them a useful class? Have I actually taught them anything? Am I a bad teacher?
I ask myself these things a lot. Sometimes I answer in the negative. I had planned a series of lessons with Sixth Years in October about the Rising and its aftermath, and with the centenary coming up I wanted to make it big. I did up lots of notes and handouts, and off I went... Except I made it far too complicated. And that's not to talk down about my students, who have been brilliant all year. I mean I had prepared stuff along the lines of Third Level material. I don't know how I did it. I always prided myself on being able to plan lessons well. It took a few weeks to get things back on track after I confused my students, because I just floundered when planning the rest of the topic.
Looking back now, it seems a very silly thing to have worried about. Teachers make mistakes all the time. But I really was so annoyed with myself. There are days that are so busy and hectic that I find I don't seem to be teaching much, rather I'm just giving exercises and not really engaging. There are days when I feel tired and I allow the class to go off on a tangent about the US presidential race or ISIS or the refugee crisis. Those days happen. Not often, but they happen.
As we prepare for the end of the school year and the exams in June I find myself thinking a lot about moments like that, and my lesson planning mishap, and instead of parlaying myself for it I realise that I've learned from it. I was so annoyed at myself for getting that plan wrong that I've put a lot of extra thought into my plans since. I get annoyed at myself for having "zone-out" classes that I stop myself and make sure every class I have will count for something. Sometimes it still doesn't quite work out. I'm not a perfect teacher. But I'm not a bad teacher either.
What got me thinking about all of this today was that one of the students in that sea of faces who were introduced to their nervous History teacher that day launched a book of poetry. Seeing how confident she was and thinking back to how she was also a very, very quiet person and how far she's come made me think of how much can change in a very short time, and the reflective mood just continued from there! The book launch was part of the Cork Life Centre's Edmund Rice Conference Week, which you can read more about here.
During the Dip year, I wrote pages upon pages of reflections about each lesson I taught. At times it was tedious and exhausting, but it was valuable in that it made me stop and think about what I was doing. I might not write reflections like that anymore, but I think this year I've remembered that stopping and thinking about things helps a huge amount. Teachers have to do this, because if you think about it, our job is never really the same year after year. It might seem like it is, but there are so many changes - in policy, in curriculums, in popular culture, in technologies and communication, that the kids we'll see even in just five years will be quite a bit different from the kids we see now. How can we judge if we're doing well or not? We can only stop and think.